” My Thought(s) on Mother’s First Death Anniversary ” – September 25, 2018.
Exactly a year ago, this day, I lost my mother with whom I spent 23 years supporting her with Confidence building measures. The thoughts that went through my mind at that time didn’t quite happen in reality.
I thought I will become more confident, but I only became more tremulous; I thought time will heal the sorrow and affliction, but it only grew more; I thought I’ll begin life afresh quickly, but I couldn’t move on comfortably.
I am now left with more anxiety, more emotional instability, and feelings of more helplessness. But yes, I have to begin my life afresh seeking a different trajectory.
All of one’s own making, it would seem and perhaps rightly so. Huh ..huh. hmm.
Everyone, near and dear, knows that I am in the last phase of my life. Memory has already become a seive; energy completely depleted; self-confidence thoroughly shaken; decisions going wrong mostly; and sense of insecurity looming large with more questions than answers.
How do I plan my last phase ? Who do I really trust most ? How do I gain self confidence back while most organs of the body fail to respond? How and when do I sleep permanently ? How do I embrace the ultimate reality ?
I ponder, ponder, … … … ponder . ever !
I am one in the family who is trained by the mother more than the father both in my childhood for 18 years, and later in life as someone fulfilling her needs for 23 years, something that none of my brothers and sisters can speak proudly or confidently.
Mother had only school education; but as a home builder she excelled in decisions vital to the needs and wants of everyone.
It was also the time when culture and customs; means of living; roles of individuals in family & society; and household enhancements were just beginning to change in our society for the first time since independence. Beginning of the First Home Revolution, as I prefer to term.
‘Respect and Connectedness’ within family have been the two main ingredients that made our family pride stick.
I vividly remember the occasions at dinner every weekend when she would first ask me to cite and describe the best incident/event that happened in school that week. That sowed the seeds for my debating skills and such other competitions even when she was not asking me with that intent.
She has been creative without ever having a grasp of what good it can do to her children.
This has been the best attribute of attraction that we as children characterised in her. This was how she played a positive role in the family. This was how she built the image of our family which many in our complex soon started following.
She carried the light in all our lives.
To me, specially, she is the mother’s role model in many middle-class, intelligent, and hardworking south Indian families.
” Dieu avec nous”
Tuesday, September 25, 2018 – 6.19 a.m.
Tidbit : ” No good bye; I want to join you soon, mother. ” – SR